Ratty was right: In praise of messing about in boats on a river

A rash plan to recreate Jerome K Jerome’s famous novel in a 14ft Orkney turned out to be a magical boat trip for a trio of old friends

Ratty from the Kenneth Grahame novel Wind in the Willows was the first to utter the words, “There is nothing – absolutely nothing – half so much worth doing as messing about in boats”.

It’s what all we boaters have in common, the endless desire to be doing something on, in or around water.

I’ve been doing it for years and am lucky enough to have worked my way up through the ranks from a humble secondhand sports boat to a shared Princess V39, but sometimes the simplest pleasures are the best, which is why old mates, Jeremy, Mike and I, decided to set off on an altogether more basic adventure, after what may have been one or two drinks too many!

I’m not sure it could really be classed as a long summer cruise but it did require all the same things – planning during the long winter nights, victualling, logistics, good weather, permission from partners and a small budget.

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Our plan was to recreate the journey of another great boating book, Jerome K Jerome’s 1889 comic novel Three Men in a Boat. In the original story it took our three heroes two weeks to row their way up the River Thames from Kingston to Oxford. With the aid of a small engine, I reckoned we could do it in three. We planned to use what we had. An oldish 14ft Orkney Coastliner with a modern 20hp Mercury outboard and a canvas dodger.

Our first challenge was to tow the boat from Devon, where it lives, to Hampton Court on the Thames. Given that its trailer usually only does two miles a year, a 350-mile round trip needed some thought.

Two new wheel bearings, a spare tyre, jack, tools and a healthy dose of faith later, we left Topsham on a Monday in May, arriving in Hampton in time to launch the boat down a makeshift slipway before retiring for the night.

I then drove the car and trailer to Bygone Boating at Benson Waterfront where we had permission to park the car and trailer ready to haul it out when we arrived by boat three days later.

Day One

In keeping with the book, we had to ensure we had the correct provisions – sandwiches, mustard and a tin of pineapple were all carefully loaded onto the boat along with three cushions, umbrellas and waterproofs. A small stove and kettle were added for that great British pick-me-up, a cup of tea – not forgetting a few beers and a bottle of wine if things got desperate. We were in for a long day and rain threatened from early on.

We said goodbye to loved ones and started the outboard on the second pull to ease away from the Hampton Ferry boathouse. Watching the Environment Agency busily removing abandoned boats, we were glad to have purchased our Environment Agency licence online (a modest £17 for a boat of our size).

Our plan was to reach Windsor by late afternoon, where we had booked an Airbnb for the night. The very useful Imray map for the River Thames suggested this was about 19-20 miles away but with eight locks (and some rather tempting waterside establishments) to navigate, we were unsure how long it would take us given our estimated cruising speed of 4-5 knots.

With some trepidation we approached our first lock, Sunbury Locks, and after some head-scratching, worked out the procedure for operating it. Thankfully, there are mooring areas upstream and downstream so we could go ashore and read the instructions before entering it. In fact, many of the locks we encountered were manned by lock keepers, all of whom kept their huts, gardens and locks looking immaculate and offered plenty of sage advice to us three reprobates. They must have seen it all before.

The sheer diversity of the landscape was a joy, both on and off the water. Beautiful period houses, stunning new villas, boats of all shapes and sizes along with the community that live on or by the river. We thought it may be all a little bit samey but the miles passed in blissful boating enjoyment.

Naturally, we’d brought along a copy of Three Men in a Boat and its simple message, that we shouldn’t take life too seriously, resonated with all of us. Boating is one of the best ways to escape everyday stress. You can step back, appreciate the simple things in nature and laugh at life’s inevitable blunders, of which there were many on a small boat with three old friends.

Passages from the book had been selected to read and landmarks spied to mark progress: Hampton Church, various bridges, Monkey Island and Truss Island, where we enjoyed our picnic. To say we had a lot of fun is an understatement.

After Sunbury, we passed on through Walton to Shepperton Marina, pausing to poke our nose in. We also passed several Dunkirk Little Ships making their way to Ramsgate for the annual memorial celebrations.

From Shepperton Lock we made our way upstream to Bates Wharf, where petrol is available – at a price. Our outboard tank holds 15 litres and we had another 20 litres in a spare can so decided to give it a miss.

Under the M3 bridge, up to Penton Hook Marina and on to Staines. The Swan pub beckoned but we resisted only to pull into a Thames rowing club pontoon to have a cup of tea. We passed through Bell Weir Lock and under the M25 to Runnymede, where the Magna Carta was signed all those hundreds of years ago.

We stopped at the Queen Elizabeth statue to read the carved stones marking the key moments in British history from 1215 onwards.

After this historic high point, we were through Old Windsor Lock and eagerly waiting for views of Windsor Castle to mark the end point of the day’s travel. Passing through Romney Lock, we were told about a mooring area next to Windsor and Eton bridge provided free of charge for 24 hours by the Environment Agency.

Luckily, there was a berth free and after packing up our belongings and securing the boat padlock, we made our way to our Airbnb, a great little cottage near the river. Windsor did not disappoint three thirsty and hungry mariners, whose day of adventure had left us tired but rather pleased with ourselves for making it this far without any major mishaps.

Day Two

First things first – breakfast! Côte, on the Eton side of the bridge, did us proud with coffee, toast and pastries. But by the time we’d finished, it was gone 10am and with 31 miles to cover before reaching our next accommodation stop in Reading that meant nearly eight hours of non-stop cruising. Shocking seamanship! We would have to forgo some of the attractions en route.

Leaving Windsor, we met our first narrow boat heading in the same direction along some very pretty stretches of the river. Wide-open views with wildlife galore all enjoying a fine spring morning.

Boveney Lock and the Olympic rowing lake at Eton Dorney were first up, then Windsor Marina, Bray and the last of the big motorway bridges, the M4, approaching Maidenhead. Passing under Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s Great Western Railway bridge with its famous elliptical arches was another memorable highlight. You don’t even notice how special it is when rattling over it in a train at 125 mph but passing under it at 4 knots is a fantastic spectacle.

By Boulters Lock we were starting to enter a more rural stretch of the river where the famous Cliveden Estate runs alongside, bearing countless ‘No Mooring Here’ signs. Cookham Lock looked altogether more welcoming as did The Bell & Dragon, The Ferry Inn and The Kings Arms – but time was not on our side.

Jeremy had arranged to catch up with an old friend in Marlow so we pushed on with the promise of lunch at the Compleat Angler by the bridge in Marlow.

Passing through Marlow Lock (and managing to avoid the rather terrifying weir), we were delighted to find a suitably sized berth at said establishment.

Anticipating a long and lazy lunch, the discovery that beer cost £10 a pint, and sandwiches £18, soon put a halt to that. To cap it all, while enjoying our solitary round of beers and mulling over the menu, the manager came out to ask for our mooring fee. Expecting it to cost around a fiver, I nearly spilled my expensive beer when advised the charge for our 14ft dinghy would be £70! We finished our drinks and left in a hurry, pausing only to buy sandwiches from Sainsbury’s in town.

Feeling somewhat chastened, we had our lunch on the boat, put the kettle on and motored through Temple Lock. To improve the mood, we decided to open the infamous tin of pineapple that caused such trouble in the book. Modern tech (the ring-pull can) saved us from the dramas of the original but the contents slipped down a treat.

Hurley lock followed then we were on to Hambleden and the great dog leg of the Thames as it flows down from Henley. The courses were being laid out and the tents erected for the famous rowing Regatta. We had toyed with the idea of this being a motor-aided rowing trip – the boat can be rowed but not easily – and we did give it a go but I confess not for very long. Mr Mercury did a sterling job without our help.

In hindsight we should have planned to stay at Henley, it’s just one of those places that exudes all that is great about being afloat. The sun was starting to come out and as late afternoon approached, the wine in the cooler was called upon to ease the final seven miles to Reading. We motored through Henley and on through Marsh Lock followed by Shiplake. It all looked so inviting, with countless mooring spots and enticing pubs.

Eventually we arrived at Sonning Lock, one of the prettiest of them all, made our way through and on to Caversham, passing the junction of the River Kennet leading to the Kennet and Avon Canal – an adventure for another day.

By this stage the lock keepers had gone home so we were back to manual operation, slowing us down yet further. Finally, we made our way into Reading to find a reasonable berth near Caversham Bridge. All tied up, we had the time-honoured pint while working out where to have supper.

The Moderation gastropub ticked all the boxes. Great beer and a good menu to suit all our tastes. We were a happy crew, if a little weary.

Day Three

Having learnt that it’s best to get underway in good time, we opted for a takeaway breakfast. Today was the day we were going to have that leisurely lunch in a lovely waterside pub. We just had to find it first!

We made our way to the boat and had an entertaining few minutes chatting to characters who live on their boats nearby. We were regaled with stories of sinkings, fires, floods and more by one owner who went by the name of ‘Lucky’. He helped us cast off and sent us on our way. Outside Reading we passed by a huge railway embankment with a red letter box set into the wall, which on closer inspection turned out to be a prank. We ventured into Purley Gardens Marina to brew up some coffee – a pleasant enough spot for anyone wanting to keep a modest boat on the Thames.

At Mapledurham Lock we met another boat going upstream having trouble restarting their engine while trying to exit the lock. It turned out to be nothing more serious than inadvertently pulling out the safety cord – we’ve all been there!

The stretch up to Pangbourne was blissful, glorious sunshine, no breeze, beautiful landscape and abundant wildlife. The properties lining the banks of the river on the approach to Basildon Park and Goring Lock got bigger and better with every passing mile. This is where we finally stopped at The Swan for a refreshing beer and a super lunch on the terrace, exactly as hoped.

Fully sated, we passed through Cleeve Lock and gently pottered our way upstream with time for a cup of tea on the move before arriving at our final destination of Benson Dock. Our daft plan, hatched months ago on a drunken whim had turned into three magical days of fun, friendship and lasting memories. Costing almost nothing in fuel and only a couple of hundred pounds in accommodation, food and drink, it made three old men very happy, and proved once and for all that Ratty was right all along.

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